Living a Lifetime
by likeit
Summary: Please. read authors note.


A/N: So I had quite a few thoughts about who Eames is and who she could have been before she met Bobby. Then it morphed into something else. Anyway, Then...I started thinking about that famous line by John Lennon "..Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans". I realized that on the show, Alex and Bobby have actually been a part of each other's lives for longer than she was married. If she was a real person, how long before she realized Bobby's true significance in her life? And that her life is really so intertwined with his, for good or for bad. So.. Sorry such a long note, and I know parts of this may be disjointed, but had to put it out there. Thanks for reading.

For enjoyment purposes only. No infringement, don't own any of the characters.

Living a Lifetime

It's funny, she thinks (although not really) how in her 42 years she has lived a lifetime. She has been a high school prom queen. A college graduate. Has a career. Was married. Is widowed. Gave birth to a child (yet, not a mother, she ruefully shakes her head). So, she asks herself, if she has _already_ lived a lifetime, what more is there? What is she meant for after all?

She asks herself all these things during silent prayer at church with her parents. At this point during silent meditation she is supposed to be asking for forgiveness. Thinking of those she has trespassed. She finds it ironic how she is in this place, this place of God, (which she isn't sure she believes in anymore) and is supposed to be thinking about forgiveness. She can think of _a lot _of people who should be here, now, asking for _her_ forgiveness. (She snorts for a second and her mother glares at her). Her mind immediately goes to _him._ Of course it does. When was the last time it didn't? She silently curses herself, and looks up sheepishly, as though God could actually hear her thoughts (So, she thinks, she must believe _a little_). Even in church, on a Sunday, with her Parents, she thinks of him.

The priest is giving his sermon now. Finding your purpose in life and how even loss can bring about life. She sighs. She could tell him a thing or two about all kinds of loss and _what it does to a life._ But life from loss? What does that mean?

A few years after Joe died, when her sister approached her about being a surrogate, she thought she'd found a new lease on life, a purpose. If Joe _hadn't_ died, she would probably have been pregnant with her own child. She wouldn't have been able to help her sister. Her nephew _wouldn't_ have been born. Was that what the priest meant? Her nephew was alive because her husband was dead? No, no, she thinks. Because, after all, she doesn't want to believe that she traded one for the other.

It's hard to look within oneself, she thinks, and find a purpose, a meaning for why you are there. Her sister has always been fond of the saying "everything happens for a reason". Sometimes, when she says that, Alex wants to pinch her sister, just a little. She can be so insensitive sometimes. For example. What was the reason, again, that she was widowed at 32? Why was Joe taken from her, from his parents, from his brothers? There was no reason that she could think of. She sighed a bit loudly, (her mother glaring at her again). And Bobby. Why, after everything he has put her through the past few years, is she still with him? And what's left in his life anyway? After all his losses, has he gained anything? She could spend all day, everyday, and she's pretty sure she'd never come up with an answer for that.

When she's had enough, and service is almost over, she kisses her parents and leaves, mumbling something about catching up on paperwork. She decides to walk around a bit. Maybe do a little shopping. She stops at some outrageously expensive store and treats herself to a beautiful scarf.

It's a dark green, and she knows it is Bobby's favorite color on her. (In an inebriated state he once told her that she looked beautiful in green)

Bobby notices these things, she thinks.

//

She gets to work the next day and Bobby seems to be in a good mood. Their partnership is getting stronger everyday. She is tired from her weekend and as if he knew this, he has brought her some amazing coffee from some exotic place.

He smiles and tell her about his weekend, how he found a great new book store, with first run copies of really old books. How he found himself there after wandering around the city. He proceeds to recount his day there. How he got into a conversation with the owner, (who he said, was a really interesting man of about 80) and how he ended up helping the man all day, re-shelving books, etc. (When he tells her this, she finds herself smirking inwardly. Sometimes Bobby reminds her of that kid in school, the one who preferred to talk to the teacher during recess, instead of playing ball with the rest of the kids.) They smile at each other over the coffee and she believes that today may be a good day. When he smiles like that at her, she feels a connection as strong as anything.

//

After they are wrapping up an interview, Bobby asks her about her weekend. She finds herself telling him about Church and the sermon, and how after all these years, she still doesn't know how to deal with loss or more importantly what her purpose is. She laughs a little, but sees his eye cloud over for a moment and he looks long and hard at her. She feels so stupid. Bobby has had to deal with more loss in his life than anyone has. Even her. They are quiet for the rest of the ride back, and on the way home, she reminds him to pick up his medication at the pharmacy. When they pull up to his apartment, he starts to leave, but turns to her at the last second. He says "Eames, that's a beautiful scarf. You look..pretty." He exits the car and leaves her speechless.

//

It's almost 11:30PM and she settles into her bed, thinking of nothing in particular until her mind goes back to that sermon. Her purpose in life. Life from loss. She shifts so that her body is laying diagonally. (It's a strange position, but she can never really get comfortable any other way). With her head in the left corner of the bed and her legs reaching across the left side she sinks lower into the bed. Then, as she's drifting off, the last thing she remembers is to remind Bobby to bring in his physical.

//

When she's there before him in the morning, she gets a little concerned. Until he walks in rather quickly waving his doctor signed physical in the air. "Lucky you reminded me." He says.

"But I didn't. As a matter of fact..." And he looks right through her and continues

"Yeah. You did. Three weeks ago. We were talking about your nephew and his vaccinations. Remember, he developed a fever after that one vaccine, and your sister was a wreck. You were so worried too. Then we stopped into that toy store on 7th and you wanted to find that special train..the one that was discontinued. I found it by the way....I ordered it...he should be getting it this week."

She stared at him. "Bobby.."

"So that's when you reminded me. You said "And don't forget your medical form Goren..I don't want to be saddled with another temporary partner _again_ because you didn't have your physical on time."

She watches him walk to the Captain's secretary and back. When he is settled in across from her she asks "Bobby, how do you remember word for word every conversation we have?"

He stares at her again with that look she can't quite place and then starts in on their paperwork.

//

She is walking down the street, carrying her groceries, when he comes up next to her.

"Bobby!.." She is startled for minute, but automatically hands him a bag. It's not until they reach the steps of her house that he realizes the bag she handed him is comprised of two half-gallon sized water bottles. He can't help but laugh. She looks at him as if to say "what?" and he casts his eyes downward, to the bag he is holding. She stares at the water for a second and then rolls her eyes. "As if" she says. Without words, although they had no plans, he starts to pull things out for dinner.

//

Later that night she's flipping through the channels when she realizes that the remote isn't working right. The channels stop going up and land on a documentary about wolves. Wolves mate for life, she finds out. When one wolf dies, it's mate never pairs up again. It just can't. They work through the cold winters, the hunger the danger their _lives_ together. Forever. That idea sits with her for the rest of the night. For some reason, she _understands_ the wolves behavior. But she _doesn't_ equate it with her own experience...with Joe. Why is that? When she married Joe, forever never came up. She's not sure she even grasped the concept back then. Even when Joe died, and she was devastated, she never thought "_we were supposed to be together forever." _She never thought "_I'll never love again_". What does that mean? Obviously her purpose in life wasn't to be with Joe. Who is her mate for life? Or, wasn't she meant to have one?

She falls asleep thinking about the wolves, and mating and suddenly, out of nowhere, she recalls the "water bag" incident from earlier. She thinks about carrying Bobby's water and then realizes, maybe she doesn't mind so much. In fact, maybe she even likes it.

//

The case is a bad one, and there is suddenly so much loss all around her. A husband, a child, an uncle...a triple homicide. And no leads. Just blood and the stagnant smell of _loss_ all around her. She looks over at Bobby (he's poking and prodding and sniffing) and suddenly the image of the wolves come back into her head. Mating for life. Purpose. Bobby. Loss. It's all swirling around her and she feels the earth moving under her until she is dizzy and almost falls.

"Eames" He is at her side now. Handing her a glass of water, peering into her eyes. Worried.

She just looks at him and he nervously chuckles "I thought I _lost_ you there for a minute". His hand is rubbing the back of shoulder and it feels like the most natural thing in the world.

//

She jerks up in bed, quickly. She is sweaty and hot and kicks the covers off herself and looks at the clock. 3:14AM and she knows she's had a nightmare. She tries to recall what it was, but she knows it has everything to do with Bobby.

//

The next morning she is thrown off by her nightmare. Bobby seems to notice that she has withdrawn into herself and in true Bobby fashion he tries to pull her out.

"Tough night?"

She is both annoyed and amazed at his ability to read her.

"Didn't sleep well" she mumbles

"Let's have a drink after work. It'll help you sleep."

She shrugs and they work in comfortable silence the rest of the day.

//

At the bar, in the corner, Bobby asks about her lack of sleep.

"I had a nightmare"

"About.."

"I don't know. But I know you were in it."

"What did I do?"

"I _don't know." _

She is agitated. Her knee keeps shaking up and down under the table and Bobby finally puts his hand firmly on her thigh.

"Let's go" he stands

She follows him out, into a cab and back to her place.

//

At her place, he pours them some more drinks and sits on the couch next to her. She feels a burst of courage that she never knew she had.

"Bobby. How do you keep going? Everyday? With all the loss you've experienced? Do you every wonder why you're still here, after everything? What your purpose is?"

He takes a long swig of his drink, set's it down on her coffee table, harder than he intended. And looks at her.

"Some losses you recover from. Some you don't. I've actually learned a lot from my loss."

She finds this interesting and thinks back to the Priest. It's almost amusing but it isn't. Bobby, a lapsed alter boy, who no more believes in God than anyone she knows has learned to live life from loss. She's intrigued.

"What's the secret?"

"The losses you recover from...they make you see what's important. They form your future. You appreciate what you have." Then he turns, puts his hand on her leg (and it feels oh so wonderful, and natural again) and says "Declan, my mother, even my brother...in some ways, they made me a better person. Declan taught me how to profile. He taught me my job. And I love my job. My mother, when she was lucid, taught me books. She taught me to see the beauty in things. My brother, he chuckled, my brother..well, he taught me how to play ball. How to ride a bike. All these things I've used or continue to use at one time or another. I feel their loss, but I'm still here, probably for the better." He took a deep breath. "Some losses though, you never recover from." She is staring at him now and he looks down. " I'd never survive the loss of you. I wouldn't want to". Then he says "As far as my purpose..well, I figured that out a long time ago actually. I'm here for you. Because of you. You're my purpose". He shrugs. It comes out so fluidly, so easily, that she doesn't know what to say. So she shows him.

//

They are laying together in the darkness, both of them diagnol (who would've known they both like to lay the same way).

"I saw this documentary on Wolves the other night".

He smiles in the darkness and she can hear..no feel him raising his eyebrows with interest.

"You watched a documentary?" He quips. She elbows him and continues

"Did you know, they mate for life?" She asks

"Yes. I know. They find one mate. They just know it's the one. It's really quite fascinating."

They are quiet for a few minutes and then she realizes. And, oh, it's a realization like nothing she's ever felt or had before. It's more than physical. It takes her over. And she gets it. This has been her life for so long, and most every aspect of this life includes Bobby_._ In that split second she realizes, Bobby with all his disfunction, and insecurity, and wonderfullness is the mainstay of her life. And has been for so long, she can't remember the last time her day ended without her thinking about him. Suddenly, she finds her voice and she knows exactly what to say.

"You're the one, Bobby. My...wolf..so to speak." And before he can say anything, before a word forms she continues softly, and he can hear the tears in her voice.

"Do you think....do you think Joe died so I could be here with you? To take care of you?"

He leans over her and kisses her lips so softly she almost doesn't feel it.

"I think Joe was an important part of your life. And you loved him. But....I think you and I were meant to be, and I believe that even if Joe had lived, you'd still be here with me." He says it and it's not the least bit arrogant. It's true, she knows. Her purpose in life is Bobby. They've weathered the cold winters and they're still together. She's there to carry his water, and he to carry hers.

//

She finds herself in church _again_ with her parents _again_ and she's listening again to the Priest. This time he is speaking about the choices we make in life and how to live with them. She thinks about the choices she's made. And the ones she has yet to make. She looks at her watch and knows that Bobby is waiting for her. She thinks about being 42 and having her whole life ahead of her. And although she feels that she's lived a lifetime, she know that she still has a lifetime to live.

-end-


End file.
